Stuck in a loop

Last two days I wake up, down. No energy to get out of bed, I used to be excited to dig into the Word at 4:30 in the morning. Start my day off right, fellowship with the Spirit. Receive my encouragement to get the day going. Now I make excuses, “I need more sleep, it’s only 6am.” Drag myself to leave the house. Work problems start immediately and it’s chaos with moments of grace. He carries me through conversation to appear hopeful and steadfast but inside it’s feels like a show. I feel like I’m still faking all of this. I question is this really happening. Is God really in my life now, something I truly wanted my whole life. I have it and I still find reasons to be depressed? How? Why do I keep forgetting? Like all my memories I tried to repress but now I forget God is real. I’m like in the wilderness forgetting all the prior miracles that got me to the next problem. And I act like I won’t make it through. Then He gets me through each time and I regret not enjoying the time more instead of being lost in fear, worry, and mistrust. Now I’m worried that I’m going to go back in. Back into the matrix of this world. (Not as far as before, Lord take me before I go back to him.) Back into wavering faith and worry. Back to taking the world on my shoulders thinking there’s something I can do about anything. God promised he has taken care of everything, but I stay stuck in a loop.