In a world where we can supposedly be whatever we want, how come so many don’t feel right with what they are or made themselves to be? When the news recently came to me about a new aspect of who I am, I was less than thrilled initially. How can this be? No way, I’m not crazy. I don’t want this. What if this can’t be fixed?
These are similar emotions I had to a diagnosis I received many years ago. It wasn’t an official diagnosis, because the “spots” that showed on my brain scans were too deep for biopsy, but the unofficial diagnosis was low grade gliomas. I’m not a doctor but essentially they are slow growing tumors. Prognosis: ten years. I feared it, I ran from it. I said I’m going to go through this ten years on my terms and it led me down a dark path.
Here I was again, arguably a similar if not worse diagnosis for me. Brain cancer most likely quick, die in surgery or don’t wake up. Mental Illness is lasting, it’s life altering but continuing. How will it change? I’ve been living with it this far but can it get worse? Could medicine make it worse or complicate everything?
Worries, doubts, and questions bombarded my mind. I wanted to fight it. This isn’t who I want to be. Then through the darkness came a light. If this is who I am, then it is who God created me to be. Fighting against that causes more problems than submitting to my path. It may not be what I thought it was going to be, but it could be greater than I could imagine.
I decided to trust God with this. That if I am someone with Bi-Polar then that’s part of who I am. It doesn’t fully define me but coming to this acceptance unburdened me of other questions that were caused by the symptoms of this illness. Through the storm came peace that only God can provide.
I trust you Father that there’s a reason for all this. I will believe “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 NIV. This is how you created me and I either accept that or deal with emotions from disobedience to Your will. I pray to continue to learn deeper the true “I am” so I can learn who I am. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done. Glory be to God. Amen
33 and a Third 