33 and a Third

I wrote a letter a while back to my dad. In that letter I wrote a brief overview of major events in my life. The purpose, or so I thought, was an attempt to show him how Jesus has saved my life. I talked about how, after having brain surgery, the scans and the unofficial diagnosis caused me to go down a dark path. How the limited life mindset caused me to become a selfish, arrogant, prideful, lustful, angry, and overall sinful monster. I was stuck inside a beast for ten years that I couldn’t escape until the point I wanted to kill it.

After reading this letter, in usually pops fashion, he found my fault that caused the entire thing. After leaving the doctors office, by going home and looking up the unofficial diagnosis on “WebMD” which told me I had a ten year prognosis, all of this was my fault. A simple answer to a vastly complex question. But that’s life for pops just everything can be figured out and he doesn’t want to hear any thing else, as he likes to state himself.

As I started therapy for my Bi-Polar condition, my blessing of a therapist mentioned bringing up my past and coming to terms with, and holding others responsible for, their part in my trauma. Immediately I was against this. Why? What good could come out of that? I saw more harm than good. I thought that I have forgiven my dad, and others, already in my heart so what would be the benefit in doing this? The abuse that caused this was causing me to avoid what needed to be said. The fear brought about by the abuse was making me afraid to face the truth. The fear instilled by him was protecting him from his part in my condition that almost led to my suicide.

The fear of this realization sent me into another manic episode. I wanted to find any reason to avoid going down this path. I began creating a whole new reality again that I could live in where I would be able to function and be productive without having to face the actual truth. As they say, the truth shall set you free.

The truth is I was abused, mentally, physically, and sexually by multiple people in my childhood. Family, friends, teachers, and even people I barely knew all just saw me by my actions. I had many problems as a child that people just saw as me being a problem child, an idiot, a misbehaving kid, one that was able to take a good day of fishing and turn it into a piece of crap (lightly put as pop used to say). It wasn’t just during fishing where this happened, parties where I ate too much chocolate to where I puked. Without thinking I jumped up on a clothe line, trying to be Spider-Man or something, breaking it. I remember breaking countless things, saying countless rude or unnecessary things, and overall was a misbehaving child. Why? Because I was treated as that and not shown a better way.

I can not say I was never disciplined or spoken to. I was countless times after each incident. Told what I did was wrong and how wrong I was for doing it. Most times some title of who I am, given based off the circumstances of my actions. Those titles became the monster that was me. I didn’t know how to change because I didn’t know how to get rid of these titles. I wanted to become someone else, like the thought of moving away to a different town to have the chance of reinventing myself. A place where my past was unknown so I’m not chained to it. There isn’t a place geographically where this is possible.

The first person that didn’t judge me by my actions, that was able to see through them and me, was the one that truly saved my life. Now, in the flesh, He was in the form of my tenant Leon. Leon, myself, and any other believer know who is truly the One that saves but we also know He uses us as vessels for this. Through his knowledge of our Savior, Leon was able to see through all the my titles, actions, and past, and was the first person to show me the love of Christ. He didn’t allow my actions to determine who I was. He didn’t hold things I said that were wrong against me. He constantly called me champ and told me I had no idea who I was. I believe this is still the case in ways, however He saved my life by just showing me the love I looked for my entire life.

Thank you Jesus for saving my life, for forgiving me every time and loving me unconditionally. I pray for anyone who is trapped by their past, their unwanted titles, and their current actions they don’t know how to change. I pray that they come to know Jesus and realize they are forgiven and loved. That through Him they can change and become who they are truly meant to be. Glory be to the God that forgives, loves, and saves. Praise to His holy name, Amen.

“As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

Ephesians 2:1-10 NIV

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

Colossians 3:12-14 NIV