How to be me

I know how to be a project manager. I know how to be a dad and a husband. But how do I be me? I know who I want to be. I want to be stress and care free. Not apathetically but faithfully me. I know I don’t want to be who I used to be. Do I have to get rid of all the old me? I must deny myself and carry my cross daily. I have to learn how to be me.

I feel like when I think about this, about me, it’s where I go wrong. I need to focus on Him and learn who he is so I know how I should be. I try to apply the conscience I’ve learned through the word but I somehow always make it back to me. Still holding on to so much of the old me and old habits. It’s challenging to get over some habits but seeing how much God has taken away, why does this still remain?

I feel it’s the stress of this job and wondering a purpose, if I have one and am I working towards it. Or if I’m letting something hinder me that I shouldn’t be. That’s all it is, me hindering Him. I’m trying to take control of fixing me, like I know how to do that. Nothing is wrong but I let everything become the end. Even though He saved me, I wasn’t made perfect. There’s work to be done and I’m forgiven when I stumble. I just don’t let myself be forgiven, I hold on to it in case I need an excuse.